It can be hard being a feeder. At best many consider feeders to be a punchline in a joke about gaining weight in relationship. At worst, the media paints them as controlling and abusive by secretly fattening up their partners. For others, they are maligned as little more than fetishists, objectifying big beautiful women. And in all cases, they are assumed to be heterosexual men. But the truth of the matter is that this does not describe the vast majority of people who identify as feeders.
The Truth about Feeders
A Feeder can be defined as someone who gets sexual gratification from seeing a partner gain weight and is the counterpart to a Feedee – someone who gets gratification from gaining weight themselves. Beyond that core definition however, what it means to be a feeder can vary wildly from person to person. For some it really is only a kink or fetish, whilst for others it forms a key part of their sexual identity and preferences. Anyone can be a feeder, whether they identify as male, female, non-binary, trans, straight, gay, or pan.
No two feeders are exactly the same – like everything, it comes down to individual preference. Some may like to play a proactive role in feeding their partner whilst others may prefer to encourage and enable. Some may like to see their partners gain only a few dozen pounds whilst others may like to see their partners double or treble in weight. What is the same however, is the feeling of belonging when finding a partner that accepts your feeder preferences and the inherent eroticism that comes from a perfectly matched feeder-feedee relationship.
Sadly, finding an accepting partner is not easy for many feeders, even within fat-positive communities – the stigma perpetuated by the media is very real. As a result, many feeders can fall into the trap of viewing their preference only as a fantasy, or something to be kept secret. However, in 2020, an age in which a diverse range of orientations and preferences are slowly become more accepted into the mainstream, you shouldn’t have to keep your feeder desires secret.
It’s time to break the stigma around being a feeder, and here are 4 ways you can do that:
Be honest
Honesty is key to any relationship, and it is especially true as a feeder. Regardless of the reputation of feeders in the public eye, hiding your preference from your partner or a prospective partner will inevitably lead to personal unhappiness and conflict further down the line, which can be especially painful if you are with someone you love.
If you are nervous about telling a partner, consider this – if they are the right person for you, they will accept the fact you are a feeder, and if you are lucky, they will even indulge you and feel comfortable enough to gain some weight now that they know the truth. If they find it too hard to accept and chastise you for it whenever you bring it up, perhaps consider whether it is the right relationship for your needs.
Similarly, if using a dating site, why not mention the fact you are a feeder and prefer bigger people on your profile? We won’t lie to you – it may make your dating life harder, but it will ensure that whoever does message you back will be interested or at least open to the prospect.
Honesty with yourself and in your relationships helps to level the playing field and takes much of the fear out of being a feeder.
Be caring and empathetic
Just as in any relationship, care and empathy are essential to a feedist relationship. Whilst the giddy rush of eroticism from feeding a partner can be a like drug for both involved, it is important to remember that at the end of the day, you are not the one who is the gaining the weight. Rapid and deliberate weight gain can sometimes have some unexpected side effects such as a substantial decrease in fitness, and so some feedees might like to slow down to let their body acclimatise.
When this happens, it is important to support them as they get used to the changes they are experiencing – they may be gaining at a slower pace than they previously were, but at least they are gaining at a pace they are comfortable with. Changes in behaviour will also be increasingly noticeable the bigger your feedee gets – they may find the short walk to the buffet table a struggle let alone long walks on the beach, so be prepared to order many more takeaways.
Weight gain is a journey for a feedee and should not just be something that a feeder encourages, enables and observes, but it actively supported in all aspects, which includes taking care of your feedee as new needs develop. No matter the changes that come, being empathetic and caring will allow your relationship to continue to blossom and grow along with your feedee.
Be prepared for challenges
There are a number of challenges that face a feeder. Many of them are a matter of practicality – for example, can you financially support a feedee’s lifestyle if they intend to gain significant amounts of weight? Is your accommodation suitable enough to make life comfortable for a partner who is now supersized? Is your vehicle still of an appropriate size for safe travel for your growing partner? It goes without saying these are all likely to be everyday challenges to expect and prepare for if you and your feedee embark on a significant weight gain journey.
However, you will also likely come across more difficult challenges when it comes to the other people in your life. Friends, family, and the family of your partner will express everything from concern to outright criticism as you and your partner pursue your feedist dream. They may never know that you are a feeder and your partner a feedee, but your partner’s significant weight gain will still draw their comments. Their resistance can be a considerable test of resolve for you and your partner and may even put a strain on your relationship.
That is why it is important to prepare for intervention by family and friends by being able to challenge their comments. Read up on Health At Every Size (H.A.E.S.) so that you are able to respond to accusations that the weight gain is unhealthy. Highlight how much happier and confident your big beautiful partner is because of their weight gain. If this does not deter them, you may even need to be prepared to cut their negative fatphobic influence out of your life. However, this is not a decision you should take lightly, and should be one taken by mutual agreement with your partner.
Being a feeder can present many challenges, but you can prepare for them by communicating with your partner and putting the relationship first.
Stay true to yourself
Above all stay true to yourself – don’t hide from the fact that you are a feeder, and that you like to see your partner larger. There’s no point pretending to be someone you are not – and so unless you know your partner would like to gain weight, feedism is more of a fantasy than a lifestyle reality for you or physical appearance is really not important in your choice of partner, you should not seek to pretend that you are not a feeder.
More often than not, the horror stories that surround the public reputation of feeders come from those who have tried to keep the fact they are feeders secret from their partners, have fed partners without consent, or have simply not respected their partners wishes. What people fail to realise is that these behaviours are not acceptable by the standards of any relationship, and not just a feedist one.
By being honest about being a feeder in your relationships, being caring and empathetic with your partner, being prepared for the challenges ahead and staying true to yourself, you are not only being a good feeder within your relationship but you are also helping to change the narrative and break the stigma and negativity around feeders everywhere.